Mawuli Zogbenu: I chased a lion

Problem no dey finish o. You want to go to school. You finish. You want a good job. You get it.

You want a spouse; you get one or more when you are luckily unlucky. You want a child(ren); you have them. You want an iphone; you get it and then, you feel like watching TV and leave your phone on the table somewhere.

You come back and cannot find the phone. You ask your spouse: ‘have you seen my phone?’ and she or he asks back: ‘where did you leave it?’. If you knew where you left it, would you even ask her or him about the whereabouts of the phone.

Don’t worry’ it is an African thing. You ask the kids of the whereabouts of your expensive phone and they don’t even have an idea what you are talking about as they are looking at your face like ‘pong-piiing’ – not bothered. You give up and go to sleep…worried. You have a nightmare just because of your yet-to-be-found iphone.

You wake up in the morning and decide to have heavy breakfast. You heat your ‘yesterday’ groundnut soup to eat some banku with. You fetch the soup and feel a weight heavier than that of the goat meat you expect. It turned out that the meat was your iphone soaked in the soup.

The kids apparently kept it overnight for you safely in the soup for it to be charged well well. Matter close! Problem no dey finish. You can’t do your kids foko!

Have you ever slept and dreamt that a lion is chasing you? That is normal! But when you dream that you were the one chasing a lion, that is day-mare, not nightmare! When you ever had a dream like this, please check the last time you washed your pillow case or dried your pillow in the sun. (100% chances are that the dirty pillow case is the cause of your ‘day-mare’ which also has a high propensity to give you unrepentant flu and catarrh. How can you chase a lion? Only dirty smelly pillows can give you such dreams.

I just discovered this last Wednesday.
When green plantain ripens, its name changes. I have two male dogs in my house: Shagi and Risky. These dogs were very calm when they were puppies but have become very wild now that they are old. They are able to pave their way through the house gate and go out to chase ‘girls’, I mean female dogs.

They don’t even use protection o. In fact, I fear they may get HIV soon; those dogs. They like different different ‘girls’!

Nowadays their ‘girls’ come to my house to have fun with them.

Strange! Instead of my dogs going out to look out for ‘girls’, the ‘girls’ now come to my house to chase my dogs apparently because they are too don’t care about family planning.

Recently I noticed that anytime the owners of these dogs are passing in front of my gate, my dogs would be backing in a very funny tone to scare them off. This keeps happening till last Saturday when a neighbor came to me to complain that she thinks one of my dogs has impregnated her dog.

I’m not surprised but how would I know if it is my dogs that are responsible for such pregnancy, I quizzed. She was like, her female dog always comes to sleep in my compound and return at dawn hence her prime suspects being one of my dogs especially Risky. In fact, her problem is that her food is not sufficient to take care of additional dogs.

‘Weytin concern dog with family planning?’, I asked her sarcastically though followed it quickly with an apology. She didn’t get that angry but only laughed and went here somewhere.

Me too I left while telling her that as for my dogs, let her dog born first and when we go for DNA test, then we can establish the paternity that indeed my dogs are responsible. The name of her dog is ‘Tiger’. Like I have said before, I wonder why one would choose to name a dog ‘Tiger’ if he or she can actually get the real tiger if that is what they really want.

That is the reason I named my new dogs Shagi and Risky and now see what they are doing to me. It’s sad some irresponsible human beings are like that and borning by heart without taking care of the fruits of their eyi but they have become more careful nowadays.

If you are a man, be going round and be borning by heart!

As I am typing this, a message just appeared on my phone from Mr Agyemang, my neighbour and it reads: ‘Mr Mawuli, please warn your dogs o, yoo’! The amazing thing about my dogs is that anytime they see me on the phone on the verandah and I am smiling, you would see them also smiling too.

Could it be a case that they are learning from their master? Truth be told, have you ever seen a dog smiling if not a cartoon?

It’s another weekend and the good news is that no one has invited me for a funeral or wedding this weekend. I am happy papa. Every weekend, funeral, wedding, why? Ah!
So why is social media full of fake things? Someone has seen a coconut tree crying, they would forward the video to platforms.

They have seen a monkey laying eggs, they would forward. They have seen cockroach buying boflot, they would forward. They are seen flying all kinds of factual untruths in our faces and get away with it.

How can a motivational speaker say on social media say that he started his bottled water company with tears?

Why do some people always want to please society han? I have a friend who was so desperate to get married but with bad character like mine.

Anytime it got close to exchanging the rings, something would happen – the woman would either back out or there would be a discovery of an unpleasant something including sneezing without covering his nose. He once suggested his liking for the wedding ring.

He was compelled to do the unthinkable – to wear the wedding ring like that. After all nobody would know he is not married. What matters is that society would recognize the fact that he is married and that comes with some unnecessary respect.

No be so? I still wonder who he is deceiving, perhaps himself.

Another married friend recently told me he was having issues with his wife and when I asked him to give me one person he knows who is ‘genuinely’ happy in his marriage, he said he knows a lot of people are happy for example, me, Mawuli.

I laughed saaaaa just to prove to him that his observation is ‘correct’. I asked him to come and set his own CCTV in my house; we are all managing o. Nowhere cool. If you leave your partner not as a result of abuses, then you have worried him or her and yourself! No be so?

Marriage hard. It is like the restaurant. When you see what someone is eating, you feel you have made the wrong choice of what you are about to eat. You don’t know! Talk to Adam and Eve and see; they would tell you they managed and never separated.

The men say the women are the problem; the women say we, the men are the problem. So who is actually the problem? I think men are a real headache! I am talking about myself.

My wife is doing well o; clap for that woman! I give her a lot of problems but she is just managing me like that. How for do! Hahahaha!

Have the best of the weekend and remember to pray always even if you are not getting answers; there are some others you did not pray for but you got them. Is this not true? Just TRUST AND OBEY (my summary of the Holy Bible)! Don’t be in a hurry to be successful.

The devil has not created anything before; not even a pebble. Wait upon the Lord.

As I call on God’s blessings on all of us who read this unnecessary article that has no meaning to anybody except nobody, let me ask o, the Bibles in hotel rooms, who reads them?